The Ides of France

The lovely thing about France is that the country and more particularly its people provide wonderful material for those would-be comedians attempting witty and clever sayings in order to amuse others. The antics of France can be thoroughly entertaining in almost any venue other than, perhaps, in-country.

This potential comedic material is especially true when France has the audacity (one of its more redeeming characteristics) to disagree with the United States in terms of U. S. foreign policy. One notable such event was when the United States decided to invade Iraq. Upon this occasion, the American people being semi-deluded ("semi-deluded" as in something slightly less than half the American population having believed the Shrub Administration to be telling the truth), many Americans determined that the French were disloyal to the core. Or Corp, whichever. This led to the advent of language changes, such as "Freedom Fries" in lieu of "French Fries". It also led to a field day on insults to the French -- which is the bulk of this particular web page.

For example, Billy Crystal was once in Russia doing a show (just after the fall of the Iron Curtain), and told his audience that when he was growing up, he had always been taught that the enemy was the Russians. Of course, Billy was ready to admit, the Russians were probably taught that the enemy was the Americans. Then Billy noted that, we were both wrong; the enemy was the French.

The French are truly entertaining.

However... much of the below has been demonstrated to be considerably less funny in that it has become increasingly clear in recent years that the French idea of NOT invading Iraq was astonishingly more enlightened than the mind of Bush II. (But then again, a demented Ogre with self-esteem and abandonment issues is clearly more enlightened than George W. Bush. Or Dick Cheney. Or Rumsfeld. Or etceteras.)

But humor is where you find it. And so, with apologies to French people everywhere -- who are by the way getting the last laugh -- the following is offered:

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." -- Mark Twain

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"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." -- General George S. Patton

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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." -- General Norman Schwartzkopf

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"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." - -Marge Simpson

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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." -- Jacques Chirac, President of France

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"As far as France is concerned, you're right." -- Rush Limbaugh

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"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." -- Regis Philbin

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"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." -- John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona [McCain is expected to run for President in 2008; and accordingly may live to regret such a statement.]

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"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." -- David Letterman

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"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada." -- Ted Nugent

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"War without France would be like ... World War II." -- Unknown

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"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'" -- Tom Brokaw

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"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" --

Dennis Miller

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"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." -- Alan Kent

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"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." -- Argus Hamilton

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"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" -- Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

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"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq " -- Dennis Miller

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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

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"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." -- Rep. R. Blount, MO

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"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." -- John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

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The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. (The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.) The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

It's always nice to know that there is better stuff than Polish jokes.